Semester 4 is a living hell...

 

So today is August 17 2020, I was suppose to be sleeping but my eyes won’t shut so I thought why not I update my blog since I left it dying. Yes dying. Can you imagine I neglected my own blog while I was busy with my reflection blog based on my Lecturer’s request that is to gain my 10 points for my finals. Funniest thing is that it is for my Intro to Comm class which I signed up earlier during my first week of semester 4. Well my life has gone downhill after the outbreak of the Covid-19. It does stress me out and makes me paranoid. Halfway through my 4^th semester we were asked to resume our class through online class since we weren’t given any other choices than to accept the facts. We do faced a lot of complication throughout the online class.

 First problem is a commitment to finishing our groupwork assignment. Which is very impossible to gather my groupmates in participating to do our work at the same times because of several distraction such as commitment as a child back home. Yes a child back home! We have to merge our student life and a child/sister’s life together to make these thing works. It didn’t work very well with me because I actually played 3 roles (students, nurse and a child). Next problem is trying to find a place to do online classes. I’ve been staying at my uncle’s house to get a peaceful environment for me to attended one of the online classes. Because my home is like a war zone where my parents won’t stop fighting each other which eventually lead me to do extra work in my cooking class. Another problem is trying to adapt to my aunt’s inconsistent emotions.

Not only stress bout assignment and groupmates but I’m also stress about my aunt. At first I thought it was a good idea to spend the whole semester at their place but hell… It was a terrible idea. It was NEVER a good idea. I literally cry my eyes out because of them. I even wailed because of them. The needs of me to return to my dorm to finished off my work so I could relax. I never thought I’ve come this far  tho. I thought I was going to give up half way and turns mad because of them. It is the most stressful semester for me compare to the previous semester. Semester 4 is the most semester and I know I won’t made it. I know that I won’t get good grades.

I do blame myself for procrastinate this whole semester but I did it. I manage to finish it despite so many obstacle along the way. I manage to discipline myself to finish it. But I fail in making people understand that my life as a student is a hell back home. I fail in trying to make them leave me alone when I’m busy with my online classes and homework. I fail in so many things. I can do so many things if they just let me breathe. My life as a student is a living hell back home despite of staying at two places. I have to deal with people’s attitudes, people’s argument, people’s non-commitment and also people’s bullshit. I do understand all the circumstance especially my groupmates. I lend a hand toward them to lessen their problems. I even send them a copy of my work.

When I think back it makes me wanna laugh and cry. Why did I fought for my rights as a student back home? Why won’t they let me committ to my student’s life. It’s so stupid. I keep up the attitude of ignoring all the negativity as long I finish my work. I can imagine if I throw a tantrums they’ll be surprised. When they say the phrase “ I understand”. To me that’s a lie. No one understand the hell we’ve been through. No one do understand what’s playing in our heads and how many times has I kept on distracting myself from rage and commit suicide. There’s time I wanna scream so loud till my tears flows down my cheek.

 I’m at the edge of the thread. I almost gave up on my life. They force me to caught up in their stupid family drama and mind games. I feel like I’m one of those dolls with thread stitching up my arms and let them control me. Now they still want to control me. How funny is that? As an Asian girl who live in the Asian household, I can accept the facts I’m still my dad’s responsibility. But I hate it when he try to downgrade me. I did this whole thing for him and mom. I’m one step ahead. They still criticize me based on my temperament. Funny is it? You expect people to always be perfect. Well guess not! Because human being weren’t suppose to be perfect.

Human being have flaws. I’m in rage though. I’m just tired. I’m tired of everything. I can do it! There’s nothing can stop me from doing things that is legal. I always being that perfect eldest child with the most savage attitude and a chatterbox. Worst is they even hate me. I don’t even know what’s the point of me trying to prove it in the first place. I’m just tired of everything. I wanna be free. I want my thoughts to be filled with positivity. I don’t want to kept on having anger management and becoming one of those short tempered people. I have flaws and so does everyone. We can’t expect them to always be perfect because no one is perfect. Criticizing and envy? I hate this type of people. I just want to live in peace without worrying about the upcoming shit.

Why won’t they just leave me alone?